People say motivation doesn't last. Neither does bathing that's why we suggest doing it daily.
Ok so I need a dump spot to track things so that's what the next few blogs are going to be like! A way to find stuff and to share with you all what I am using to help me on my road to health.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JAzItp2Aqo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UthRSpRFBno
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aAA9-edO3I
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-jwWYX7Jlo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vj-ZmYTGAw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26U_seo0a1g
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9z4Kft47kBM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tzm6TEManmQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9o6F_cRW5W0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnIx1ktNNGs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QlvQC4MXxs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMm6tDavSXg
Crossfit one
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGWCu1sFrHk&list=PL68aNNmyLFmlTI_DgNuA1zj7rQ0AdhZj1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cLRn5HcWCs&list=PL68aNNmyLFmlTI_DgNuA1zj7rQ0AdhZj1&index=4
To watch later
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wv3g0Nw5KK4 (NOT SURE CONTENT)
Monday, September 29, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
The COLD HARD TRUTH!!
Ok so this is probably going to be one of the most emotionally difficult things I have ever written, topping my angry journal letter to my father. So be warned this is going to be raw and un-edited because heaven knows how hard it is to even get this out of my head muss less in a public fashion. My reason for doing so is well I'm tired of the lying I'm so tired of holding it ALL inside. I'm exhausted mentally from coking on the tears that often come into my eye's and consistently pulling at my heart saying go ahead let me out. Acknowledge you hear yourself. So here goes their moment in my life.
Every day I have people ask "How are you" to which I respond oh great, amazing, OK, a bit down but it'll get better. But here's how I really want to respond! How are you..... Well if you must know i'm fed up with all of it! I'm so emotionally spent that I don't even want to roll my fat ass out of bed in the morning. Yuppers I warned you it's real today.
For the past week my head has been screaming at the top of it's lungs, don't pretend you don't have a voice you try to keep silent too. I know you do I see it when you answer me when I ask how you are. There's a spark of truth in your eye's your tired to. Your wondering what in the heck is this all for!!
But let's get back to me for a moment, which by the way rarely ever happens unless I think we truly are friends, yeah sorry there are many of you who have no clue what my life is really like, Only 4 people have ever gotten the true cold hard truth about who/what I am and how I feel. Reason why, well not to sound cliche but ya'll hold me up so hi in your minds i'd hate to tante the view you have of me but here's the fact of the matter. This life it sucks and to be honest and this second it's harder then it has EVER been for me. All the years of hiding my feelings all the years of trying to be there for everyone else, the endless service and compassion has finally taken it's tole and well as Jodi sang, My give a DAMN is busted.
For once in my life it's hit me, the cold hard truth. Even as I type this I scream not to let it out, it's not true its just a bad day, it's just the drugs (antibiotics) making you tired. But its not!! Here's the truth AMERICA I HATE YOU ok American CULTURE!! I hate what you are doing to your children!! I hate what I've let you due to me!! I'm as American as they come I know we live in a blessed society and I couldn't imagine growing up any where else... nope not true, I wish I was raised somewhere and then came here. Why you ask..... are you sure you want to know... I mean really are you sure?!?!
Ok you kept reading it's your own fault from here on, (WARNING don't read and expect to ever view me the same again... i'm serious)
The reason I hate American CULTURE is it's turned me into a FAT, SELF CENTERED, INSTANT GRATIFICATION, BROKE, ANGRY, HEART BROKEN, Human!!!
Now I know that ALL of it was my choice and well I've tried so hard to fight against the culture I was raised around. We call it the Indian Cricket syndrome. No one can do better then another and if they start too they are pulled back down (the best gift my mother ever gave me was allowing me to leave it as a child) Speaking of my Mommy dearest she did her hardest to raise me the best she could but at times it's hard to make someone else stronger when your so weak. She went through hell and wanted to protect us from that BUT good Ol' human nature didn't let her. But that's another post for another day.
Back to how all this started, this being what i'm now calling my damn breaking moment. I have stuff so many emotions in my life and I literally stuffed them right down my throat. Others "tried" to help as a kid and I got "talked too" But the fact is I got shamed. How come I wasn't the skinny talented creature that my dearest sister was (by no fault of her own) Well I don't have her DNA for starters! She's my half sister so I didn't stand a chance to be as tall or have the metabolic rate she had, and well the talent it came at a cost that left very little for me to try and develop mine, (no fault of anyone but a bad economy and an emotionally stuffed me)
THIS IS SO HARD TO TYPE I REALLY AM TRYING TO WRITE BLANK FACED THROUGH ALL THIS COKING THE EMOTIONS BEHIND THE WORDS, well at least until I am free enough to cry it out, which i'm not sure why is so damn hard for me (i'd sorry for the swearing but really i'm not, i'm angry, at myself, at the culture I live in, at the cooperations who have made millions of my misery).
Any way back to the breaking moment. It all started with a vacation home, and a new boss who was so not ready for his position. I am not a writer if you haven't figured that out by all the run on sentences and lack of punctuation. Any who I knew I couldn't keep doing something I didn't like and I knew it was effecting my overall performance at work and I was just tired of well being tired. I was working to much for things I didn't want to impress people I really don't care about. So i knew it was time to change something before I lost what sanity I had. Well that started the ball rolling and with a few late night chats with a dear friend and some praying my application for the Peace Corps was in, a huge argument at work took place, and a really tired me had reached a point of knowing American culture was killing me!!
So as part of the application process for the Peace Corps I have to have a physical, I don't know I'm going to pass it!! And I was right!!! Yuppers you heard me! I got a call 24hr's later to come back to the Dr's office in two weeks he needs to speak with me about my sugar levels. During the time between the appointment I also caught a cold (related to all the stress and poor eating habits i'm sure, hint the drugs). Standing right there in the room with the Dr BAM out of no where a stuffed emotion erupted right there, tear came pouring to my eye's. I couldn't hide it any longer, as we talked about drugs, options, and finally I just looked him dead in his eye's and said there isn't a drug or surgery that will fix lazy and fat and you know that!! He looked at me and said "I know this is hard and you've been trying for 2 years now Jenny to (there's the tears!) lose the weight. you've lost another 6lbs, I know this is hard, I know your trying." I looked him back in the eye;s with tears rolling down my eye's trying to shut them down and said in a clear voice I HATE AMERICAN CULTURE. I hate that we indulge in obesity, we as a nation emotionally self medicate and celebrate with things that are killing us, and on top of that I hate this fake image of healthy! Models don't even look like themselves and heaven forbid you see them with out make up on! That'll make buzzfeed in no time! URGE!!! Oh and let's not mention music video's (i'm playing some right now) sexualized skinny and don't worry we are doing it to men too. And in all this anger I can only blame myself no one "literally" stuffed my face with candy and ice-cream, only I did that, and I did it when I was sad and I did it when I was happy and I did it when I was board, lonely, to gather with friends! But really is it all my fault?!? I keep beating myself up but really is this cross my fault entirely. And why does it matter now?!?! Here's why it matters, for the 1st time in the history of my life I made a decision to follow my dream, not money, not cultural norms, not a love interest, I made the choice to spend my life doing what I really love doing, which is helping others and touring the world and because of the choices I made to emotionally survive doing the things I didn't want to do I may lose something I now dream of doing and well it's made me MAD/ ANGRY/ HURT/ SAD. But here's the real kicker! Many of you are like ok so do something about it, lose the weight! Easy right, WRONG, DEAD WRONG!!!!!! I now hurt so bad even just walking around the block. My knees and feet are giving out and so is my pancreas. I have literally single handily almost killed myself! SIGH holy smokes that was emotionally draining and hard, but so liberating to finally get out of my head!!
Well it's almost my birthday and people ask what I want this year for my birthday, to live to see another one, to have a A1C that doesn't read DIABETIC at 28. For next year hopefully I'll be spending my birthday in another country serving in the Peace Corps! But until then NO i don't want cake, NO I don't want to go to a party where I buy more things so you can buy more things, NO I don't want to go get ice-cream with you, BUT YES i do want to go for a walk with you, YES I need your support and friendship, YES I need you to bit kinder to me (I'm honestly emotionally fragile((NOT FROM ITALY, name that movie)) at this moment), YES I want you to notice the tears hiding behind my eye's,YES I want you to see the changes my body is making, YES I NEED you encouragement, BUT NOT your nagging, So if I ASK you to ice-cream you can suggest sushi instead and if i say naw I WANT ice-cream just smile and say mint or with peanut cups with a side of tylenol, because I have all intention of biking it off that night!
Hugs and kisses from the real me! The Jenny who's trying to finally be Jenny!!
JJ
Every day I have people ask "How are you" to which I respond oh great, amazing, OK, a bit down but it'll get better. But here's how I really want to respond! How are you..... Well if you must know i'm fed up with all of it! I'm so emotionally spent that I don't even want to roll my fat ass out of bed in the morning. Yuppers I warned you it's real today.
For the past week my head has been screaming at the top of it's lungs, don't pretend you don't have a voice you try to keep silent too. I know you do I see it when you answer me when I ask how you are. There's a spark of truth in your eye's your tired to. Your wondering what in the heck is this all for!!
But let's get back to me for a moment, which by the way rarely ever happens unless I think we truly are friends, yeah sorry there are many of you who have no clue what my life is really like, Only 4 people have ever gotten the true cold hard truth about who/what I am and how I feel. Reason why, well not to sound cliche but ya'll hold me up so hi in your minds i'd hate to tante the view you have of me but here's the fact of the matter. This life it sucks and to be honest and this second it's harder then it has EVER been for me. All the years of hiding my feelings all the years of trying to be there for everyone else, the endless service and compassion has finally taken it's tole and well as Jodi sang, My give a DAMN is busted.
For once in my life it's hit me, the cold hard truth. Even as I type this I scream not to let it out, it's not true its just a bad day, it's just the drugs (antibiotics) making you tired. But its not!! Here's the truth AMERICA I HATE YOU ok American CULTURE!! I hate what you are doing to your children!! I hate what I've let you due to me!! I'm as American as they come I know we live in a blessed society and I couldn't imagine growing up any where else... nope not true, I wish I was raised somewhere and then came here. Why you ask..... are you sure you want to know... I mean really are you sure?!?!
Ok you kept reading it's your own fault from here on, (WARNING don't read and expect to ever view me the same again... i'm serious)
The reason I hate American CULTURE is it's turned me into a FAT, SELF CENTERED, INSTANT GRATIFICATION, BROKE, ANGRY, HEART BROKEN, Human!!!
Now I know that ALL of it was my choice and well I've tried so hard to fight against the culture I was raised around. We call it the Indian Cricket syndrome. No one can do better then another and if they start too they are pulled back down (the best gift my mother ever gave me was allowing me to leave it as a child) Speaking of my Mommy dearest she did her hardest to raise me the best she could but at times it's hard to make someone else stronger when your so weak. She went through hell and wanted to protect us from that BUT good Ol' human nature didn't let her. But that's another post for another day.
Back to how all this started, this being what i'm now calling my damn breaking moment. I have stuff so many emotions in my life and I literally stuffed them right down my throat. Others "tried" to help as a kid and I got "talked too" But the fact is I got shamed. How come I wasn't the skinny talented creature that my dearest sister was (by no fault of her own) Well I don't have her DNA for starters! She's my half sister so I didn't stand a chance to be as tall or have the metabolic rate she had, and well the talent it came at a cost that left very little for me to try and develop mine, (no fault of anyone but a bad economy and an emotionally stuffed me)
THIS IS SO HARD TO TYPE I REALLY AM TRYING TO WRITE BLANK FACED THROUGH ALL THIS COKING THE EMOTIONS BEHIND THE WORDS, well at least until I am free enough to cry it out, which i'm not sure why is so damn hard for me (i'd sorry for the swearing but really i'm not, i'm angry, at myself, at the culture I live in, at the cooperations who have made millions of my misery).
Any way back to the breaking moment. It all started with a vacation home, and a new boss who was so not ready for his position. I am not a writer if you haven't figured that out by all the run on sentences and lack of punctuation. Any who I knew I couldn't keep doing something I didn't like and I knew it was effecting my overall performance at work and I was just tired of well being tired. I was working to much for things I didn't want to impress people I really don't care about. So i knew it was time to change something before I lost what sanity I had. Well that started the ball rolling and with a few late night chats with a dear friend and some praying my application for the Peace Corps was in, a huge argument at work took place, and a really tired me had reached a point of knowing American culture was killing me!!
So as part of the application process for the Peace Corps I have to have a physical, I don't know I'm going to pass it!! And I was right!!! Yuppers you heard me! I got a call 24hr's later to come back to the Dr's office in two weeks he needs to speak with me about my sugar levels. During the time between the appointment I also caught a cold (related to all the stress and poor eating habits i'm sure, hint the drugs). Standing right there in the room with the Dr BAM out of no where a stuffed emotion erupted right there, tear came pouring to my eye's. I couldn't hide it any longer, as we talked about drugs, options, and finally I just looked him dead in his eye's and said there isn't a drug or surgery that will fix lazy and fat and you know that!! He looked at me and said "I know this is hard and you've been trying for 2 years now Jenny to (there's the tears!) lose the weight. you've lost another 6lbs, I know this is hard, I know your trying." I looked him back in the eye;s with tears rolling down my eye's trying to shut them down and said in a clear voice I HATE AMERICAN CULTURE. I hate that we indulge in obesity, we as a nation emotionally self medicate and celebrate with things that are killing us, and on top of that I hate this fake image of healthy! Models don't even look like themselves and heaven forbid you see them with out make up on! That'll make buzzfeed in no time! URGE!!! Oh and let's not mention music video's (i'm playing some right now) sexualized skinny and don't worry we are doing it to men too. And in all this anger I can only blame myself no one "literally" stuffed my face with candy and ice-cream, only I did that, and I did it when I was sad and I did it when I was happy and I did it when I was board, lonely, to gather with friends! But really is it all my fault?!? I keep beating myself up but really is this cross my fault entirely. And why does it matter now?!?! Here's why it matters, for the 1st time in the history of my life I made a decision to follow my dream, not money, not cultural norms, not a love interest, I made the choice to spend my life doing what I really love doing, which is helping others and touring the world and because of the choices I made to emotionally survive doing the things I didn't want to do I may lose something I now dream of doing and well it's made me MAD/ ANGRY/ HURT/ SAD. But here's the real kicker! Many of you are like ok so do something about it, lose the weight! Easy right, WRONG, DEAD WRONG!!!!!! I now hurt so bad even just walking around the block. My knees and feet are giving out and so is my pancreas. I have literally single handily almost killed myself! SIGH holy smokes that was emotionally draining and hard, but so liberating to finally get out of my head!!
Well it's almost my birthday and people ask what I want this year for my birthday, to live to see another one, to have a A1C that doesn't read DIABETIC at 28. For next year hopefully I'll be spending my birthday in another country serving in the Peace Corps! But until then NO i don't want cake, NO I don't want to go to a party where I buy more things so you can buy more things, NO I don't want to go get ice-cream with you, BUT YES i do want to go for a walk with you, YES I need your support and friendship, YES I need you to bit kinder to me (I'm honestly emotionally fragile((NOT FROM ITALY, name that movie)) at this moment), YES I want you to notice the tears hiding behind my eye's,YES I want you to see the changes my body is making, YES I NEED you encouragement, BUT NOT your nagging, So if I ASK you to ice-cream you can suggest sushi instead and if i say naw I WANT ice-cream just smile and say mint or with peanut cups with a side of tylenol, because I have all intention of biking it off that night!
Hugs and kisses from the real me! The Jenny who's trying to finally be Jenny!!
JJ
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Winds of Change
Well some of you know some of you don't sooo for the non-Facebook people in my life. I have decided to join the Peace Corp!!! The decision came quickly and fast, like most of mine have been, but I am so excited and nervous!! At present my destination is Vanuatu doing .....Health Education.... (http://vanuatu.peacecorps.gov/projects-ch.php) My anticipated departure date is ....... January 25th 2015. My current job has been notified and man that changes things a lot. (but that's for a different blog post) My goal of being debt free is almost to that point thanks to my wonderful mother who will be taking over my last student loan (which is interest free, this is a huge deal for me) and for letting me use her "toy" car as we call it. Yuppers i'm driving around FL in a BMW convertible Z3 complements of my mommy!! (Isn't she the best!) All of this is related to me selling my little blue car to a family in my church. (I kinda miss it a lot, but i'm grateful I could help out someone else). My credit cards carry a zero balance again (which they hadn't i'm sad to say in almost a 6 months). I have a dental card with a grand on it i'm working on now, then i can start putting money back for all the stuff I have to buy prior to leaving. (visit http://amzn.com/w/2I3P8WQZ65PTL to help out with items needed) I can't believe how quickly this decision has changed my way of life. Now instead of looking for the stuff i don't have or feel i must have, i'm stressed over what to do with the stuff i do have. This is even harder not knowing if or when i will ever return to the states to live again. Sure i'll visit but i'm starting to think i'd enjoy my life best spent in serving the people of the world. In hearing their stories and being their voices. I wonder if this is a product of feeling like i had no voice for so long as a Native American living in a white world, I almost feel like I have to give others the chance to be seen and heard. Call me crazy I guess but i don't think America has all the answers to the problems we face. Don't for a second think I wish I was born some where else!!!! I am American through and through BUT I also know that my foundation and honestly my own family history has made me an explorer. Since I can remember I've always loved learning and studying others for no purpose then to try and see things the way others see them.
Well I feel like this post is getting long enough BUT I also feel like my soul is opening and recognizing the choices I am making not just for me but I hope one day many years from know for a young girl just like me seeking a voice in such a loud world.
Lots of Love
JumpnJ
Well I feel like this post is getting long enough BUT I also feel like my soul is opening and recognizing the choices I am making not just for me but I hope one day many years from know for a young girl just like me seeking a voice in such a loud world.
Lots of Love
JumpnJ
Thursday, August 8, 2013
MFP blog post!
SO MyFitnessPal (MFP) has a blog spot on their sit and the blank page was staring at me and next thing I know emotions were flowing form my hands. I thought heck why not share it with the rest of the world 2. So here's what's going on inside of my head and heart for the past week.
No this isn't a cry for "help" this is just how I feel and let's be honest we've all felt that way!!
So here's to find the REAL me, and not the "world has taken over" me!!
No this isn't a cry for "help" this is just how I feel and let's be honest we've all felt that way!!
No this isn't a cry for "help" this is just how I feel and let's be honest we've all felt that way!!
So just like most people "fitness" is a fight for me!! The ironic thing is i teach health for a part of my job, and i "know" what works, but for some reason it hasn't worked for me.
A year ago i ended up in the hospital "dying" because my body had turn septic from a gallstone blockage. I was there for 3 days no water no food, i swore then that something would change in my life. for 3 months I did great!! A year has passed and now I weigh the most i have ever weighed in my life. I cried the night i found that i saw that number on the scale. I looked back and mfp and saw how at one point i weight almost 230 which for me is a BIG deal. now i'm at 274 and i can't stand it!!! wow 274 i'm almost 300lbs (i'm not even 30 years old) how did this happen!! Why did I let this happen!
Well i know i have 2 options I can enter the depression state that ALWAYS comes with weight gain OR I can enter the motivation side of things......... here's the problem I live alone, i sleep alone, and 9 out of 10 I have to "work out" alone. people have started working out with me and then THEY bail out NOT ME! These friends are the fit ones too. dang DNA ain't fair!! But I think back to the time i was my fittest. i didn't go to they gym, i didn't run, i ate fresh foods and walked 3-4 miles everyday. Here's the difference i was in Costa Rica I had no American junk food available & no car there either! WOW hmmmmm. So i've decided to get back to the basics, clean eating and walking. That's it, that's all i'm promising to do, but I WILL DO IT!! I owe it to the person trapped inside my head who looks in the mirror and ask "who the heck are you" I can feel THAT person screaming LET ME OUT!! Let them see the true you, the fun filled you, the flirty you, the jump'n around you, the surfing you, the bike ride'n you, and yes even the mini-skirt you!
So here's to find the REAL me, and not the "world has taken over" me!!
No this isn't a cry for "help" this is just how I feel and let's be honest we've all felt that way!!
Friday, November 23, 2012
New Project
Stationery card
View the entire collection of cards.
Yes you could say I have a shutterfly addiction, but let's be real you ALL love getting the fun stuff I make, & besides it's one of the only times you "see" me :D
Yes you could say I have a shutterfly addiction, but let's be real you ALL love getting the fun stuff I make, & besides it's one of the only times you "see" me :D
Stationery card
P For Peace Religious Christmas Card
To view our unique Christmas card designs, click here.
View the entire collection of cards.
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