The COLD HARD TRUTH!!

Ok so this is probably going to be one of the most emotionally difficult things I have ever written, topping my angry journal letter to my father. So be warned this is going to be raw and un-edited because heaven knows how hard it is to even get this out of my head muss less in a public fashion. My reason for doing so is well I'm tired of the lying I'm so tired of holding it ALL inside. I'm exhausted mentally from coking on the tears that often come into my eye's and consistently pulling at my heart saying go ahead let me out. Acknowledge you hear yourself. So here goes their moment in my life.

Every day I have people ask "How are you" to which I respond oh great, amazing, OK, a bit down but it'll get better. But here's how I really want to respond! How are you..... Well if you must know i'm fed up with all of it! I'm so emotionally spent that I don't even want to roll my fat ass out of bed in the morning. Yuppers I warned you it's real today.

For the past week my head has been screaming at the top of it's lungs, don't pretend you don't have a voice you try to keep silent too. I know you do I see it when you answer me when I ask how you are. There's a spark of truth in your eye's your tired to. Your wondering what in the heck is this all for!!

But let's get back to me for a moment, which by the way rarely ever happens unless I think we truly are friends, yeah sorry there are many of you who have no clue what my life is really like, Only 4 people have ever gotten the true cold hard truth about who/what I am and how I feel. Reason why, well not to sound cliche but ya'll hold me up so hi in your minds i'd hate to tante the view you have of me but here's the fact of the matter. This life it sucks and to be honest and this second it's harder then it has EVER been for me. All the years of hiding my feelings all the years of trying to be there for everyone else, the endless service and compassion has finally taken it's tole and well as Jodi sang, My give a DAMN is busted.

For once in my life it's hit me, the cold hard truth. Even as I type this I scream not to let it out, it's not true its just a bad day, it's just the drugs (antibiotics) making you tired. But its not!! Here's the truth AMERICA I HATE YOU ok American CULTURE!! I hate what you are doing to your children!! I hate what I've let you due to me!! I'm as American as they come I know we live in a blessed society and I couldn't imagine growing up any where else... nope not true, I wish I was raised somewhere and then came here. Why you ask..... are you sure you want to know... I mean really are you sure?!?!

Ok you kept reading it's your own fault from here on, (WARNING don't read and expect to ever view me the same again... i'm serious)
The reason I hate American CULTURE is it's turned me into a FAT, SELF CENTERED, INSTANT GRATIFICATION, BROKE, ANGRY, HEART BROKEN, Human!!!

Now I know that ALL of it was my choice and well I've tried so hard to fight against the culture I was raised around. We call it the Indian Cricket syndrome. No one can do better then another and if they start too they are pulled back down (the best gift my mother ever gave me was allowing me to leave it as a child) Speaking of my Mommy dearest she did her hardest to raise me the best she could but at times it's hard to make someone else stronger when your so weak. She went through hell and wanted to protect us from that BUT good Ol' human nature didn't let her. But that's another post for another day.

Back to how all this started, this being what i'm now calling my damn breaking moment. I have stuff so many emotions in my life and I literally stuffed them right down my throat. Others "tried" to help as a kid and I got "talked too" But the fact is I got shamed. How come I wasn't the skinny talented creature that my dearest sister was (by no fault of her own) Well I don't have her DNA for starters! She's my half sister so I didn't stand a chance to be as tall or have the metabolic rate she had, and well the talent it came at a cost that left very little for me to try and develop mine, (no fault of anyone but a bad economy and an emotionally stuffed me)

THIS IS SO HARD TO TYPE I REALLY AM TRYING TO WRITE BLANK FACED THROUGH ALL THIS COKING THE EMOTIONS BEHIND THE WORDS, well at least until I am free enough to cry it out, which i'm not sure why is so damn hard for me (i'd sorry for the swearing but really i'm not, i'm angry, at myself, at the culture I live in, at the cooperations who have made millions of my misery).

Any way back to the breaking moment. It all started with a vacation home, and a new boss who was so not ready for his position. I am not a writer if you haven't figured that out by all the run on sentences and lack of punctuation. Any who I knew I couldn't keep doing something I didn't like and I knew it was effecting my overall performance at work and I was just tired of well being tired. I was working to much for things I didn't want to impress people I really don't care about. So i knew it was time to change something before I lost what sanity I had. Well that started the ball rolling and with a few late night chats with a dear friend and some praying my application for the Peace Corps was in, a huge argument at work took place, and a really tired me had reached a point of knowing American culture was killing me!!

So as part of the application process for the Peace Corps I have to have a physical, I don't know I'm going to pass it!! And I was right!!! Yuppers you heard me! I got a call 24hr's later to come back to the Dr's office in two weeks he needs to speak with me about my sugar levels. During the time between the appointment I also caught a cold (related to all the stress and poor eating habits i'm sure, hint the drugs). Standing right there in the room with the Dr BAM out of no where a stuffed emotion erupted right there, tear came pouring to my eye's. I couldn't hide it any longer, as we talked about drugs, options, and finally I just looked him dead in his eye's and said there isn't a drug or surgery that will fix lazy and fat and you know that!! He looked at me and said "I know this is hard and you've been trying for 2 years now Jenny to (there's the tears!) lose the weight. you've lost another 6lbs, I know this is hard, I know your trying." I looked him back in the eye;s with tears rolling down my eye's trying to shut them down and said in a clear voice I HATE AMERICAN CULTURE. I hate that we indulge in obesity, we as a nation emotionally self medicate and celebrate with things that are killing us, and on top of that I hate this fake image of healthy! Models don't even look like themselves and heaven forbid you see them with out make up on! That'll make buzzfeed in no time! URGE!!! Oh and let's not mention music video's (i'm playing some right now) sexualized skinny and don't worry we are doing it to men too. And in all this anger I can only blame myself no one "literally" stuffed my face with candy and ice-cream, only I did that, and I did it when I was sad and I did it when I was happy and I did it when I was board, lonely, to gather with friends! But really is it all my fault?!? I keep beating myself up but really is this cross my fault entirely. And why does it matter now?!?! Here's why it matters, for the 1st time in the history of my life I made a decision to follow my dream, not money, not cultural norms, not a love interest, I made the choice to spend my life doing what I really love doing, which is helping others and touring the world and because of the choices I made to emotionally survive doing the things I didn't want to do I may lose something I now dream of doing and well it's made me MAD/ ANGRY/ HURT/ SAD. But here's the real kicker! Many of you are like ok so do something about it, lose the weight! Easy right, WRONG, DEAD WRONG!!!!!! I now hurt so bad even just walking around the block. My knees and feet are giving out and so is my pancreas. I have literally single handily almost killed myself! SIGH holy smokes that was emotionally draining and hard, but so liberating to finally get out of my head!!

Well it's almost my birthday and people ask what I want this year for my birthday, to live to see another one, to have a A1C that doesn't read DIABETIC at 28. For next year hopefully I'll be spending my birthday in another country serving in the Peace Corps! But until then NO i don't want cake, NO I don't want to go to a party where I buy more things so you can buy more things, NO I don't want to go get ice-cream with you, BUT YES i do want to go for a walk with you, YES I need your support and friendship, YES I need you to bit kinder to me (I'm honestly emotionally fragile((NOT FROM ITALY, name that movie)) at this moment), YES I want you to notice the tears hiding behind my eye's,YES I want you to see the changes my body is making, YES I NEED you encouragement, BUT NOT your nagging, So if I ASK you to ice-cream you can suggest sushi instead and if i say naw I WANT ice-cream just smile and say mint or with peanut cups with a side of tylenol, because I have all intention of biking it off that night!

Hugs and kisses from the real me! The Jenny who's trying to finally be Jenny!!
JJ